I broke down yesterday. The whole day was really rough but I knew it was coming for a while now. So much of it has been building up for some time. Months and months of worries and stress and anxiety and life and then it finally happened. In the purest Dane Cook form and it probably went on longer than it should have but I literally could not help it.
I blame anxiety. I hate being anxious and I hate the way it makes me think and feel all the time. The worst part is that I just can’t help it, that’s just how I am. I want to stop worrying when people tell me to “Just relax” or “Everything is going to be fine” or “What could you possibly be worrying about now?”. I want to stop so bad because I know it’s not rational, but I just can’t help it.
What better thing to talk about today than my worries?
- Because I think it might be cathartic for me to talk about.
- Maybe you guys might relate? Maybe? That, or I’m just a crazy person.
- What I am going to do with my life – Sure, I have somewhat of a path in mind but I literally can’t see where I will be a year from now and that scares the hell out of me. I have a degree and I want to continue on, but where? What degree next? What are my goals? Will I even get in? All questions I do not have answers to. I have never been one of those people who has always know what they want to do, and that’s okay. But I still think and worry about it on a daily basis.
- Money – I feel like I shouldn’t but I do. I hate adulting. Sometimes I feel like my part time job just isn’t enough. On weeks where a bill is due, I can hardly even think about buying anything. It stresses me out man!
- Being a burden – I genuinely believe I am a burden to the people around me. It is so hard for me to believe that I am worth other people’s time. That sounds so terrible but it feels true. It is to the point that a lot of the time I hardly even message my friends first because I feel like I am bothering them, but then I don’t hear from them in months. What does that even mean? Are we even friends? I don’t know. I’m sure that they just get busy and that is a part of life and it’s not personal, but that’s the way I think you know?
- Being forgotten about – This goes along with the previous one, I worry that my friends will forget about me and move on, I worry I am holding my boyfriend back and he will move on without me. I know it’s not true but something I worry about so much. Also, this goes to a much grander scale. What if something happens and I die? The people in my life will mourn and then years in the future, that’s it. Just someone’s memory. It is important to me to do something worth remembering in life, and I worry whether I’ll be able to do so.
- The people around me – I care about other people more than myself most of the time. I care about how they are feeling and if they are okay or not. I am really super empathetic and that might take a toll on me, secretly deep down inside, where no one can see. And I know it’s bad but I do care what people think about me too.
We all have good days and bad, yesterday was bad and today is better. Maybe tomorrow will be great.
I could keep going on and on and but I edited the picture to say 5, so I should stick to that. If you can relate, then that’s great! Let me know in the comments below so we can support each other. 🙂 Also, if you have something to add, you know where to go!